Was That Me?

Tues 19th
AM..........Woke up feeling tired as usual, the same thoughts that were in my head when I went to sleep are there when I wake up. The constant grind of routine is killing me, the same old feelings the same old tropes.The same banging my head against a brick wall. Basically I'm trying really hard not to overthink or even think about things at all, as I'm worried I will just want to crawl back into bed. Cup of coffee and I'll focus on the rest of the day after that.

Midday.....The sun is shining and I'm still dealing with crap, more rejection, more applications, more phone calls. I seem to be trapped in a rut......starting to believe I'm no good to anybody,feels like something is pulling me down and I'm going to take everybody with me.

PM......That was a terrible day,I've just wanted to scream and shout for the last hour, fell apart and just lay on the bed. My mind was totally numb, nothing was going through it at all. Why am I feeling like this? I want it to stop, I want to feel the way I used to feel.....that seems like such a long time ago.......can't do this anymore today.

Wed 20th

AM..............The day got off to a brilliant start more fighting, all my own fault. I'm not thinking things through, and I seem incapable of doing such a simple thing. I wish I knew where all this was going? It's always the same. Get up for nothing, go through the day for nothing! Sick of it!

Midday.......I'm finding this quite hard to do, as I feel much worse after I've done it, and there are still hours of the day left before I can go back to bed. I miss the person I used to be...that's a good thing right? Missing things is good isn't?

PM...........I've been sitting on a bench for the last 30 odd minutes, staring at nothing...........I know where this is going now...more counselling, more prescriptions for stuff I don't even want......


The above I discovered in an old notebook, and to be honest I'd forgotten I'd ever written it,it was done at the behest of my GP, he wanted me to keep a journal for a few days to ascertain my level of depression.....and as most people know if you don't self harm or wish to harm others or think about killing yourself then you're not that bad.

The scary thing for me was realising how little things had changed in my head, I had just learned to control them a bit better......that was until the end of last year...when my old adage of 'I'm okay I'm always okay just didn't seem to cut it anymore, and feeling the control slipping away from me again terrified me.....it's all about control.